wordsssssssssssssss.

It's been a very long time since I've written in here. Since I've written anything personal. I started college and I got stuck in this lazy pattern of doing my work, watching tv and sleeping. I need to change. So my early New Years Resolutions are the following:
1. I need to start reading books again.
2. I need to read the news.
3. I need to sleep less.
4. I need to write more.
5. I need to get out more.
6. I need to get involved.
7. I need to practice.
8. I need to speak in german.

I never finished the last book I started, this depresses me. I started a new one, "Sixty Million Frenchmen Can't Be Wrong". The French people are crazy. If I could read a book like this about all the countries I like, I wouldn't even have to go there to understand the way they live. It's amazing, and shocking. The french are weird. I need to finish that, and get back to my other book.

I really don't know that much of what's going on in the world. I know the big thing like the economy is a piece of shit, but I need to know some details. For my own good at least. My building has some free newspapers in the morning, I'm definitely going to take them everyday now.

It's winter, which means its cold, and I like to sleep when I'm cold. Or, being cold makes me really tired, or being tired makes me really cold. Either way, I've been crawling into my terribly warm and comfortable bed too often during the day. I'll go to bed earlier, drink some coffee and be fucking productive. Doesn't mean I can't relax.

This feels good to write even though I know you are the only one reading it. :)

I'm in fucking DC. The museums are free, I'm going to put up with the cold and spend some afternoons there.

I miss little kids. I want to like baby sit or something.

I haven't touched my viola except once. I might go try to play Christmas music on the sidewalks and try to make some money. Haha. oh boy.

It'd be really neat if I could live in Germany with Alex. Whether or not that happens, I love my roots and I really want to pick up German again, Not that I've lost it completely, but practice makes perfect, and I haven't spoken a word of German in a month. I want to speak it like I speak English.

Last but not least, I know I'm not fat, but I'm not in shape. I want to change this. I complain about having so much free time, I can keep myself occupied on the treadmill for ten minutes or something. and no more chips.

anyway, I'm listening to that silly Barack Obama song that came out during the campaign, "yes we can". It gives me the chills.

I am an American, but am I proud? I have been debating this topic in my head in the past months especially leading up to today, 9/11. Have I come up with an answer? No, but many ideas.
First of all, it is my dream to live, well, not in the United States. I would love to live all over the world , moving every few years, and finally after discovering as much as I can, settle down. But in the mean time, I am stuck here. As a young child, I was very proud to be American. Now I think that is because of the American "history" we were taught in grade school. To be honest, I feel like I've been lied to. As a high school student, last year I took an U.S history course, and realized what the real American history was about. I've always had this feeling as a kid that America was great and all, and really had good values and freedoms. When I learned about American imperialism and colonization, I was horrified and surprised. America was the nation that fought against all of that for freedom, and yet we did it to others. I can totally understand why people outside of the U.S would not like it. Even though they think we are possibly helping, by coming into your country, why is it America's business. Most of the time it is not. Why do you even want to be like us here? America is filled with shallow and completely stupid people. There are so many people who waste their lives away doing nothing with their lives and not trying to do anything to live nicely and many have all the resources available to them. There are so many people in countries around the world dying to live comfortable lives like we do here.
I am mostly liberal, coming from New Jersey. I probably have a biased view, but I really think that New Jersey, NYC, and parts of California (NOT L.A!) are the only intelligent parts of this country. Of course that is biased, but the majority of people in my school except for maybe a few are not Bush supporters. You go down to Florida or Virginia -and its difficult to convince people he is bad. It is sad and pathetic, that many people do not think for themselves, and many people from Texas love him to death, and believe everything he says and supports everything he does just because he is from their State. I almost wish we were not one united country, but a continent of fifty different ones. Each state or cluster of states has their own personalities, views and beliefs. If New Jersey were its own country, It would be pretty kick ass.

Now, as to 9/11. Seeing the smoke from my house, just killed me. I remember that day, being in the sixth grade, like it was yesterday, and sometimes it still feels like it was only last year. There is nothing worse than having a "i remember exactly what i was doing on the day of____ attacks" day. It could be Pearl Harbor, a president being assassinated, and now in the case of most Americans today, 9 11. And especially those close to where it hit. Like i said, seeing the smoke made it extremely real and petrifying. New Jersey-being the home of very important ports (in Elizabeth-about 10 minutes from me) could have very well been the next target, and when George Bush almost sold them... that would have been just ridiculous. Anyway, the memory of 9/11 will always be with me, and I will always remember that day-not knowing all day of what was happening except that the towers were no longer there-for a reason I did not know at the time. I was 11, the impact of it didn't hit me right away. When my mom picked me up, in tears, i knew something horrible had happened. We came home , and put the news on right away. every single channel. Watching over and over again, the planes hitting, the fires burning, and the people jumping out from the floors like the 80th floor, people jumping, people dying, the towers coming crashing down , the people in the streets screaming and running, and the debris flying and crashing down .wow. the impact of watching it on television was enough. i think i would have just stood there and froze if i was actually seeing it in real life. The footage was played over and over again, deathly. The panic. You just don't understand the impact of war, until it hits home, and this is one of the only times it has in recent history. I feel horrible and embarrassed and ashamed of the fact that America is inflicting this pain on Iraqis. I have read some journals and some of these letters from Iraq and their lives have been turned around. We think they are going from bad to good but for many it has gone from Fine to horrible. The people live in fear everyday that there will be panic explosion and death. We had to deal with it one day, they have to deal with it everyday.
So, I guess back to the original question, am I patriotic of the United States? I am patriotic of New York City-basically my second home, I am patriotic for the people who fought for their rights such as womens rights and gay and lesbian rights and any other rights fought for especially in the 60s. I am patriotic of the people who come to America or struggle in America and eventually live that so called "American Dream" -if they worked hard, persevered, and really really strived good for them and congratulations. But in no way am I patriotic of the principals we convince people and claim we stand for-They are Great, but if we don't actually follow them, then I am not proud. I am in no way patriotic of the scummy white trash citizens who do Shit, while people are risking their lives from Mexico to come here just to live their lives-maybe in the worst conditions and maybe illegally, but they have more justification and integrity and character and soul than many people living here. let them come here, let them have a chance, send all those scumbags wasting away to mexico in their place. and in no absolute way am i patriotic of president Bush. I am ashamed that I live here sometimes. I am not ashamed of the life I live or what I believe in or what I THOUGHT america was or what it is supposed to stand for. but for what it has become.

Reflections on the Planet Neptune > unfinished.

The Blue People on Planet Neptune
Before dinosaurs roamed the familiar planet Earth, the blue people lived on Neptune. Neptinians were very different from humans and lived in a very different world. Many people believe life could not exist on the planet Neptune, and that may be true. What does life mean anyway? do you need to contain certain elements to be considered alive. Maybe on Neptune they didn't need water or what we call food, or sun to survive. LIfe on Neptune was not our kind of life. Neptune had its own set of elements and requirements. Neptune didn't have water but it had Retaw, it didn't have a sun but it had a Nus, and they didn't eat food, but instead Doof. Things were certainly different on the planet of the Blue People, thats for sure.
Neptinians were strange looking creatures. They were rectangular with no outstretched limbs from what you could see at first. Any arm like limbs were able to disappear into the main body when retracted. Neptinians didn't walk they hovered. They were of course, blue, deep like Earth's oceans. They did have faces with squares to see with and a circle to eat with. They did not have noses to smell, because there was nothing to smell. And they did not need any special part to hear, it was just absorbed into them. Neptinians' lifestyle seemed simple and plain to humans but they were rather smart. Neptinians never owned land or built any structures with unnatural materials. There was no currency system and the thought never crossed to have one. Neptinians knew it was not necessary. They knew something else humans never knew. This great secret of life that could have saved us. THey knew, alright, without even knowing. Maybe it was just their nature and not ours. Our fundamental problem and their secret. THe secret that the land we live on and need does not belong to us, but we belong to it.

Quotes from Ishmael -daniel Quinn

" I can't shake this crazy feeling that there is some small thing we're being lied to about"

I totallyagree. i'm scared!

"How can you pretend not to be terrified"

"How can you listen to this stuff and not recognize it for what it is?"

"Why is it that no one is excited?"

"Man is the end product of creation. Man is the creature for whom all the rest was made, this world, this solar system, this galaxy, the universe itself"
COME ON NOW! cant you see his point > he's being totally sarcastic. and its sad, cause so many people think that is truee. and like it is true.

"If the world was made for us, then it belongs to us and we can do what we damn well please with it".
but dont you see its not true! so we cant just damn well destroy it!!

"And of course you mean to go right on doing what you damn well please with it, because the whole damn things belongs to you."
hello!

what a good book.

Quotes from Catch 22

"A boy in a thin shirt and thin tattered trousers walked out of the darkness on bare feet. The Boy had black hair and needed a haircut and shoes and socks. His sickly face was pale and sad. His feet made grisly, soft, sucking sounds in the rain puddles on the wet pavement as he passed, and Yossarian was moved by such intense pity for his poverty that he wanted to smash his pale, sad, sickly face with his fist and knock him out of existence because he brought to mind All the pale, sad, sickly children in Italy that same night who needed haircuts and needed shoes and socks. He made Yossarian think of cripples and of cold and hungry men and women, and of all the dumb, passive, devout mothers with catatonic eyes nursing infants outdoors that same night with chilled animal udders bared insensibly to that same raw rain. Cows. Almost on cue, a nursing mother padded past holding an infant in black rags, and Yossarian wanted to smash her too, because she reminded him of the barefoot boy in the thin shirt and thin, tattered trousers and of all the shivering, stupefying misery in a world that never yet had provided enough heat and food and justice for all but an ingenious and unscrupulous handful. What a lousy earth! He wondered how many people were destitute that same night even in his own prosperous country, how many homes were shanties, how many husbands were drunk and wives socked, and how many children were bullied, abused or abandoned. How many families hungered for food they could not afford to buy? How many cockroaches and landlords would triumph? How many winners were losers, successes failures, rich men poor men? How many wise guys were stupid? How many happy endings were unhappy endings? How many honest men were liars, brave men cowards, loyal men traitors, how many sainted men were corrupt, how many people in positions of trust had sold their souls to blackguards for petty cash, how many had never had souls? How many straight and narrow paths were crooked paths? How many best families were worst families and how many good people were bad people? When you added them all up and then subtracted, you might be left with only the children, and perhaps with Albert Einstein and an old violinist or sculptor somewhere. "

"Yossarian was cold, too, and shivering uncontrollably. He felt goose pimples clacking all over him as he gazed down despondently at the grim secret Snowden had spilled all over the messy floor. It was easy to read the message in his entrails.
Man was matter, that was Snowden's secret. Drop him out a window and he'll fall. Set fire to him and he'll burn. Bury him and he'll rot, like other kinds of garbage. The spirit gone, man is garbage. That was Snowden's secret. Ripeness was all"

strange!

The Sun did not rise that morning, but why would it?

Jonfen rose from his bed, couldn't quite open his eyes yet, but could smell her sweat perfume next to him, and then he remembered it all. He put one foot down, the floor was cold, but then again, everything seemed cold to him lately. He got out of bed, looked back, and gazed at his darling for a minute.

"hey! get up! Now! come on , now!"

The sheets moved a little, maybe something was there.

"I, come on, I said, just get up!"

" OK, ok. I'm up, happy now? you're always the same in the morning. "

"you must leave, darling. I am, uh, required at school. Thanks, bye then"

He showed her out the door, like many times before. He loved her, but for a good fuck only. He adored her, but only at night under the sheets. He had had a good fuck and that's all he wanted. What else was the point anyway. Things were different. He had much better things to do, of course, rather then spend his time in some sort of relationship. Besides, she was just a girl, she couldn't really change things, make him happy or anything. Come on now.

It seemed that many people had still not grasped the change, and those many people were those darling ladies. The sweat innocent ones, looking for some love, desperate, stuck in the past. THings were different. Didn't they get it?

The men, now of course, they got it. Oh they got it. And they sure has hell loved it.

The sun never shown, so it seemed. Was it a change in climate? Or was it the human's influence on the sun Many people questioned this. It was dark and cold, but thats just how it was now. Many people remember what it was like before but why would they want these horrible memories. Back then, was a strange time. It's a scary thought for many of the young ones who did not live through it. A time, when both men and women went to school, just the thought of it, is imaginable. A time when both sexes learned, worked and took care of the household. It sure was strange. Unthinkable. What good was it? They weren't helpful, they were just there to look pretty, but we don't even NEED that.

Jonfen knew what it was like. HIs parents had lived through it. They said they were happy then but I guess change was okay, they accepted it. Jonfen didn't quite understand his parents. They had met at work and they were always all over each other, how could they take it? Jonfen knew how it had been different then, but he liked how it was now.

He was seventeen he studied in school to become a journalist. Everyone, well only every male, of course had to go to school, no matter what they ended up doing, and no one dared disobeyed. Jonfen chose to be a journalist because it would be quite easy, the news was all the same anyway. Besides, he had better things to do than waste his time studying.

His parents didn't understand him either. They had given up on him. They tried getting him to obey their rules, curfews, but he did not want to be considered a hippiechild. It was no use.

Jonfen and his parents lived in Russia. But it was not the same Russia of the past that the older ones remember. It was just like anywhere else now. Everyone in the world spoke english, it was a global community and everywhere it was the same. The difference in buildings and looks were ignored. The only difference between Russia and Mexico, for example, was only its geography.

Jonfen sat down to have breakfast after he kicked his Darling out. He thought about how pathetic it was, that she kept finding him. He could care less sometimes. Women were here to reproduce. Yes, he liked a good fuck but with a man or woman, it didn't matter, it was a good fuck either way that he sought after. Thats how it was for most people, it just made sense.

Boys were always around boys. They went to school together all day and eventually went to work together. They weren't all that busy, seeing as they did all that was required of them, then just had free time. They got bored and anxious often. Some tried to hide it but most were open when they got a hard on, and they'd sneak off together, or the even more open ones would just do it there, infront of everyone, which would only make everyone else horny as well. It was mere satisfaction that they wanted. What else were they supposed to do with so much free time?

The girls were no different. Although they did not go to school, they had a few hours of Loohcs everyday. It is where they learned about cooking, cleaning, child care, and everything else to be a "useful" woman. After the few hours were over, what were they to do, they did not work. So while all the men in the world were at School or Work, the women were relaxing in a club, getting very bored and anxious, they were shopping, being bored and anxious, or at home with other women of the neighborhood being bored and anxious. Out of curiosity and boredom the younger ones would get curious about down there. They explored, touched and enjoyed. They would get curious about their friends too. Were we all the same down there? Did we all get the same feeling when we do this, they thought. And thats how it started for everyone. The curiosity, the boredom, and the anxiety.

Both men and women hated and lusted each other equally. There was no love. Men hated women for being so stupid. They hated them for being clingy and needy. They lusted them for their breasts and pretty faces, the pleasure. Women hated men. They hated them for kicking them out when they were finished. They hated them for being so smart and useful. Why couldn't we all just be stupid?, they thought. THey lusted them to hold them, make them warm with their penis in them. They lusted them for their good looks and strong muscles. They only need each other to reproduce. And thats how it was.

OUT OF ORDER SORRY.
Reflections on ANGER and Lies.

remember that time, i could have died saturday.
if i passed out on the train and a creepy guy would have lied and said he was taking to me to the hospital when really he was taking me to his apartment. and i would have beeen gone. remember when that didn't happen. remember when i sat on the sidewalk in new york on 14th street, and i saw what its like from the ground. its the most beautiful site ever. and when i could have passed out on the sidewalk, and there really wouldn't have been anyone to help me. and people would have thought i was crazy or sick and homeless. and the black people with red eyes selling things they didn't make and probably stole could have stole me and sold me. remember when that didn't happen.

remember when that kid disappeared for ever in pennsylvania, and it made me really upset and angry? dont you remember? you should. i'm not lying. go to hell. i shouldn't be treated this way. go to fucking hell. but before you do that, come over, so i can yell at you and whisper and cry and kiss you. all at once. then go to hell. leave me the fuck alone if you're going to leave me alone. stop bugging me while you ignore me.

remember memories in everything is illuminated. and the people couldn't forget their memories, and the memories took over and they had memories of memories of memories, and thats all they did was remember.

no you don't remember. fuck you. cause you're not fucking here. go to hell. stop being a memory. be real. come back. go to hell but come here first.

Reflections on A Clockwork Orange.

HORRORSHOW
we can bring it to a stop
this never ending destruction
and when we do
it'll be real horrorshow

oh the horrorshow
we'll dance
they'll go in and out
we'll scream and yell
oh the horrorshow

it'll be the destruction of the lifetime
oh the horrorshow

we'll slow down
we'll dance
they'll go in and out
we'll scream and yell
oh the horrorshow
it will be, yeah.

we'll drink the knives
all of us droogies
we'll be the destruction
oh the horrorshow
we'll be dead
we'll slow down
we'll dance
they'll go in and out
we'll scream and yell
and we'll destroy
destruction of the world as we know it
oh the horrorshow

SMOKE SOME CANCER

Invisible
not really here
no one cares
so i'll smoke some cancer
i'm gone , the world will end
in my head will be cancer
but no one will know
because i'm invisible
waiting for it to come over me
"i'll take some cancers, how much did you say? $5.50? For my life, thats all you want, is $5.50?"
I guess thats no surprise
i'm invisible
so i'll just smoke some cancer
and the world will end.
OH the horrorshow.

Reflection on bathroom graffiti.

I love to read what is written in the bathroom stalls at school. How can you resist? What else is there to do? Well, a slightly, cynical but interesting statement was written on one wall.
"The Human Race is the Destroyer of Everything"

I can't say that i whole-heartidly believe that, well yes I can but... Mostly because I'd like to deny it, believe it weren't true. I was not sure if I was the only one who had this thought in their head, but apparently I am not, thank god. It's very hard to believe. When most people read this initially, the thoughts that come into their head are "fuck that", "whoever wrote this has no faith" , "there's no way, we can't help it". Hey, we'd all like to believe that, but you know what, the statement is true. You can deny as much as you want. Its like with the holocaust or darfur, its something so horrible you don't want to believe its true, so you ignore it. Or other things, like the homeless people you walk past and turn your head on. They are the symbol of the brutal honest fucking god damn truth about the world. THEY represent the shit hole we've made this place, the despair, the inequality. They are the truth, and we turn our heads to, ignore it, shun it, despise it, pretend its not true. It's really not hard to see, you may have those thoughts in your head at first, but when this world finally comes to the point that the majority of us can read a statement like that and , think, 'god damn, they're right, they're fucking right. what have we done, oh My god" , thats the day we'll start to change. Not now, when its only what, like an 1/8 of people who really realize the impact of humans on the planet earth. The planet earth WE BELONG to, that one ,we are destroying. You can't ignore this one, this is more than one life that is going to be cost, its the planet, life itself. You ignore a homeles person, he doesn't eat, he gives up, hes gone. You ignore this problem, the world gives up ,and its gone. LIke that. , just like that.

Reflections on various subjects.

ON Dying:
Lets see, peopel used to live forever and ever...
until their brains exploded from so much knowledge and wisdom and so the next person who was about to explode discovered a way to die and then everyone followed.

On Smiling:
People always frowned until their mouths and skin started to sag , and on the oldest people their cheeks would hang all the way to the ground so in order to stop this silly thing, they would pin up their cheeks in a smile sort of thing with creepy barbaric peircings until their muscles were strong enough to do it themselves.

On Humans as we know them:
the most distinct humant trait is the ability to harvest food and farm. thats what ultimately put humans above all other animals.
Basically there were people on earth, right, and they hunted and gathered, and then for some reason, they decided to settle down and "own land" and farm it. Let's see.

So, animals(not including humans) were becoming more and more clever and, humans, never being that smart to begin with, weren't very far ahead. It gradually become more difficult for humans to catch animals for food. Humans and animals were getting in these crazy wars over silly small things such as rabbits, and goldfish-the only food humans were able to get easily enough. Well they would get in these ridiculous wars with silly rituals, but the humans would ALWAYS lose because they were starving, for one, and two, they did not have enough strength, and most importantly, they were not FURRY. So in order to over come this problem humans faced, they tried many things. First, humans tried to disguise themselves as animals, covering themselves in fur, walking on all fours. They thought they might be able to get more food this way-if they disguised as animals they would be able to get food like the animals but the world would not be fooled, they were still just as weak. So they went to plan B. They resorted to eating the food that was left. They no longer were able to eat the rabbits and fish because while they were pretending to be animals, the real animals ate all the rabbits and fish. Humans tried to eat grass and leaves and insect, but it made their skin become green and scared them and they didn't find it flattering! They decided it might not be such a good idea.

So this did not work, and the only thing left that they could do was stop roaming around because they were far to weak to travel and find more food that was by chance left over. They set up, in one place, and found strange seeds, or "droppings" as they thought they were. They wanted to clean up their areas where they would be living, so they decided to put the "animal droppings" in the ground, under dirt. after they did this It began to rain, and while Humans enjoyed this, plants were growing , and as they sprouted they discovered they could eat these plants with out turning green. as well, the plants attracted animals which humans decided they would call their own, and breed them. Humans in the end, gave up the hunter gatherer lifestyle and began a life of owning land and objects.
and the rest is our sad pathetic history.
the end. is coming.

Idols.

john lennon. i like the things he says, they make me happy.

[i wanna be loved]
[in the heart of hearts, i wish i was the only one in the world] -referring to being a good musician
[it was a fucking humiliation...one has to completley humiliate one self to be what the beatles were]
[i remember what it was all about fuckers, fuck you all, fuck you, you can't get me twice]
[i resent performing for idiots who don't know anything]
[nothing happened, but we're all dressed up. the same bastards are in control, the samer people are running everywhere] in reference to them causing a revolution
[that dream its over, its just the same, only i'm thirty and alot of people have long hair]

it makes me happy how stuck up he is, but it makes me sad that he ultimately died while thinking he didnt make a difference.
Dear John Lennon,
although many people are not appreciative of the beatles and only saw the beatlemaina part of it, many others were inspired. you have caused a revolution in my mind.
:)
love, caity.

FUCK YOU MARK DAVID CHAPMAN. fuck you, you fucker. ruin it all for everyone fuck you. if you didnt like him so much, jsut fucking ignore him, or kill yourself.

idol 2.
Eugene Hütz

not as brilliant as john lennon, but he's getting there.

[if there will be no music, alot of soles will be sick]
[music is actually the essence of the world and our life]
[creative people must be stopped]

Dear Eugene Hütz,
first of all, don't let yourself get shot. To me, you are the most revolutionary influential, and inspirational musician since John Lennon. you have strong roots, and i love that you are sharing it with the world. i know you know you are brilliant and thats what makes you just that much better. make a life time of brilliant music and movies, please.
love,
caity.

The education in America is supposed to top notch, but i feel like i have not learned in school.

there are so many things we do not learn about in school.
what about foreign issues?
how many years do we need to learn american history, when it is nothing to be proud of anyway?

Maybe I missed it in school, but I feel like i barely know anything about other areas in the world. I am so curious about other cultures and countries, because they are so unknown to me.

is it really important that we know every policy that was ever passed and every single politician?

or rather, is it important to learn how the world fits, how the world is different, why we are so god damn lucky and should stop being so materialistic? should we learn how ridiculously fake america is, despite its "success"?
Are we being "protected" from this information? from this knowledge? its obvious they don't want to teach it to students in america. they don't want us to leave, because its so much better out there.
Growing up in America is strange. I don't HATE america, but i think its lost its identity. When i ask myself if i would rather have grown up somewhere else, i would not know the answer. on one hand, i am thankful that i have grown up in such a "nice" country, with money, and an education, and i get to live a life. I can't picture not being from America. When I think of small countries such as Ukraine, or Belarus, what is it like to be from there. Do you feel unimporant? do you bother trying to be successful in life? Do you think about America? Do you realize how little your country is?
I am ultimately glad I grew up in America, i am privelaged, and other cultures would not be so exciting if i grew up in them. but i really don't think i can raise a family here. coming from america, i can teach my kids about america, and things i learned from it, but they do not need to experience it. i don't want to be here either.